living life

I am woke and I can’t sleep. Screams, utters, shouts! Sickle cell is draining. I endure sleepless nights, ongoing headaches, body pain I can’t describe. However, I am not sad about it. I am laughing trying figure out how I’m hoing to attack Mrs.SCD. I want to fight back harder. I don’t want to kill Mrs. SCD(sickle cell) she is a huge part of me and has made me who I am, I just want to control Her actions. Possibily smack her a few times for showing up uninvited. Lol. I may be young but not naïve. I believe that life is worth everything. The pain even.( being uncomfortable, not being able to eat, shooting pains that come from nowhere, telling my spouse I’m ok just so she can sleep, going into another room in my house to cry, turning pale, looking in the mirror and my eyes are completely yellow… You get the picture and I’m not complaining just explaining! ( I embrace the not so good things and for a few moments I become numb still uncomfortable but I can breathe knowing I am still here. For me, life is, a hourglass felt with seconds counting down, painful energy wasted or enjoyed in the comfort of a companion, if you are lucky. ;). For me, that’s not all you get from this world but what you can put into it. Some people settle for things because for them, it’s by far the best they can get. Others just don’t have a choice but to deal the cards they’re dealt. Me I’m doing either. I know this isn’t the best I can be. I’m sick and tire of being sick and tired. Ready for this hard ass time to pass. That’s why change is in affect. I am not settling because of the progress. I know there has got to be more to life than a temporary high to satisfy the lows and blows that are thrown on my yellow brick road. I am off to see the wizard! Ready for something magical to happen and even if it’s only in my head. I will keep an open mind! Ready to rock with my head held above water, even if I can’t swim. This may sound dumb to you but what will it be worth if you (I) don’t try? And what will it be worth if I fell and didn’t try again? That is a risk I am not will to take. My life has just begun. Ready, set, imagination…. Take me to a place I want to go some day, take me on a trip so I can visit Hollywood. ;)…I believe in angels, harps music, violins and thunders and lightning. I believe in dreams and failure. The devil and sins. I believe we all as human beings come to a breaking point, just as well as we climb to the top with strength and courage… Either way I believe everyone needs to be rescued even if it’s just sometimes. My belief system may be just a tad bit different from yours. Because of the things we were taught. How we were raised and even the tiniest things that effect us. I am a true believer in God. I believe God has a plan for each individual, but I am not the type of person to blame my issues on God. The most mercerful , the most forgiving, the all knowing god writes the script. I just play a role! Knowing that, allows me to believe in being in love and not just a slight comfort between people. I believe in “being in love” with my partner, my child, the earth, other beings, not just human. I believe in loving animals and nature. I believe in last chance things. I’m at the final point where everything is as if I can’t afford to miss anything because you never know when or what can happen. I go in to my son’s room some nights and just watch him sleep. He doesn’t know that I kiss him on his head or cheeck as I just lay next to him waiting for time to past. I whisper sweet words into existence right into those little ears.” sweet dreams, insullah I will see you in the morning.” wanting to wake him even though he aggravates me at times while he is woke. I can’t resist the thought of making him laugh, waiting for his reaction to my jokes and reading to him as I take part in becoming a fictional character, from one of the books on his shelf. It’s worth so much. Amen, for the little things. Life is more than spending endless hours in the gym, chasing girls, spending money I don’t have, getting lace front wigs to try and keep up with fashion, sitting in a nail salon to attach three inch nails to my finger tips and eating veggies( I’m not trying to put anyone down… Do what works for you) just to seek approval from others. The thing that gets people through is believing things will get better. I hope to be a bigger part of the world by my words and actions. It is not about basing my everyday existence on An internal fictitious word of wisdom in the world of dead souls, self proclaimed philosophers, fashionettes, dietitians, thugs, self proclaimed “O.G’s” (orginal gangsters don’t send people to do things they wouldn’t do themself, aren’t afaird to cry and not too proud to beg., this a entire new post.) too good shoes, know it alls, uptights and saints. My life is not about living somebody else’s dreams and beliefs but my own. Every second of each seconds counts. It if was a joke would you be laughing? I’m not uptight just alitte too serious when it comes to life ;). Isn’t that uptight? Lauging out loud! What I’m saying is that Life has so much more than bearely pursuing the normal visions of our society. I am and will continue to be a good person in my own way. Dressed in decor to stand out apart from the crowd, nah just my smile. Silly fools don’t get the wrong idea or impression. I will be clothed but addressing you (the world) with smiles. ;). My journey is not about chasing wild dreams to be superior over others. It’s more about imagery, long walks through the city parks to view the serene, to be drowned in my own peaceful thoughts. It’s more about feeling the wind hit my face, as I travel the road in my car down the highway. Life is about love, passion, freedom and will. I will only walk this earth once, I might as well make the most of it.

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God’s gift

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babies first photo

Hello world!

The summer sun is suppose to bring people together, through cookouts, parties , beach parties and other fun outdoor things. However, this summer will not be so soically correct. I say this because the heat will be some thing we wont be able to defeat! This may be a great thing maybe this will mean less killings, less shoot outs, less children getting hurt in their own backyards, less crime period. You all know the more people in the streets the more problems. The ruins on our city has become utterly unspeakable. I know we can’t change over night. Although, I do pray to see a change. I wait for the day when we as a community can enjoy each others talents instead of putting one another down. This is so dreadful I am ashame to tell people where I’m from. When I used to be proud of being from New Jersey. 😉 Now I’m ready to pack my bag and head to the south. Wanting my children never to know of this place because I strongly believe a change will never come. It seens as though the men and women who are suppose to be teaching our children morals and values are the person allowing them travel down the wrong road. No every wrong doing cannot be blamed on the parents alone. It takes a village to raise a child but our villages are broken. We dont instill want our grandparents taught us to the youngings. We as a people have come to far not to have any courage. Enough courage to turn away from a fight, enough courage to laugh at some one calling us names generations before us hugged those who did so. I know times have changed but so have we and it’s not at all in a positive manner. In order to see come results we have to change how we think. We have to step into other peoples shoes to give ourselves room for growth, and not one of you can say that you are perfect or you don’t need to change. We have become so selfish. What happen to lean on me? If we thought about others and how we want to be treated and really started to stop and think we may just have a chance and a possibility is worth the try. I challenge you to give a homeless man the change in your pocket. Even if he is only going to purchase a beer with the money he/she recieve be open-minded and think if you were homeless. This could very well be a stressful situation. Who wouldn’t drink. If it’s cold they may need a beer to sleep the pain away instead of being woke with no food, and no comfortable place to lay down. Hell that person could have very well been just like you at a point. Shit happens though and it could happen to you! I challenge you to turn the other cheek when one of these fake thugs approach you on some Ra-Ra rowdy man B.S. Nine times out of ten they are not worth going to prison behind. They are probably in a gang trying to recieve gangster points. I look at it like this a person with real street or hood status doesn’t have nothing to prove to nobody and their name speaks for itself. A real man will cry or show emotion no matter who is around, and If I were a boy I’d probably cry with that young man who feels as if he has some thing to prove because he doesn’t understand them same fools he is putting on a show for won’t do that bid for him. I know there is no getting far nagging or talking to these want to be tough guys but at the end of the day they may have a change of heart with the right guidance. If we as parents did what our parents did we would have all these damn problems. Teachers were allowed to spank children. Things changes now most teachers can’t be trusted to do so but as parents we shouldn’t tell our children that their teachers can’t discipline them. That’s a entire problem of it’s own…but again be open-minded I not saying let you childs teacher whip them but if you trust some one to babysit you offspring that must stand for something. You wouldn’t leave you child with a aunt or uncle and not allow them to spank that child if the ran into the street. I’m just saying we need to change our perspective. A word to the ladies I pray that as women we realize how far we have come and continue to be brave enough to run our households. I know it’s not easy but we are the one’s who run the world ( no disrespect fellas). We have to take a stand, stop fighting each other over men. This is teaching our daughter to do the same thing and Lord knows this is some thing that’s not worth it not even a little bit. Half the “boys” out here are only looking forward to having sex and can we really blame them?… Our community teaches that sex sells and the young girls are growing up without fathers so they don’t know what love is. They look for a guy to bring them joy. This is because they are insure just as well as them boys who take advantage. We have to set examples. Direct them to love theirselves and let no one tell them they are beautiful and run with it. They should know and believe that is a given! Remember how strong our mothers were? Back in the day a women wouldn’t let her children see her struggles. Again times have changed but if these damn kids stay in a childs place the world could be a better place. The young men would be less likely to sell drugs because they see the frown upon their mothers face. Our husbands would see we have strenght and wouldn’t take advantage. I was told by some brothers that this is a reason why they cheat. Although, I believe that is a creative excuse for cheating it makes a little sense. Just a little. Men want strong women just not strong than them. Holding your head high hiding the pain from whatever the day may bring just may show your strenght at least until it’s time for pillow talk, which is expected. We see men pretending to be in love all the time than when you mention I am pregnant. What happens? The leave. Most return when they are tired of the next chick. Stop allowing it. Your daughter are following your footsteps But open your damn eyes Why fight over a boyfriend who’d put you threw all the drama Be careful because what goes around comes around and the first thing they are quick to say is you are a whore. I remember this saying, You are what you eat. ;). Men realice that is whack as you know what you was in a relationship now that it’s over she is all types of names in the book. Female yall need not dog the brother out either. When he was hitting that spot he wasn’t all the names. Hey if it just didn’t work out great leave it alone. You can do bad all by youself. Remember we have to be roll models and change has to start within. Even if the world does change take the time to change You! Good night and God bless feel free to comment